bus

I'm proud because instead of staying alone in my appartement I went out to the restaurant and have a coffee with friends.

... nothing like a woman.

I wish I could kill all those barbie sluts.
Really. I wish I could.
Just because they make me feel so damn AWFUL about myself.

Fat.
Depressed.
Sad.
Like crying, but my eyes hurt too bad...

It's a slip. It happens.
I'm going for it too.
I had a slip 2 friggin days ago... Shit, I was 6 months 'clean'.

Don't feel discouraged. You can do it. We all can...

I told my BF I was going for a run at 2h30 am... he asked me what was wrong and I started to cry... and cry. And then he hugged me, and I fell asleep.

It happenned last week.

I cannot deal with anger. Actually, I cannot deal with a lot of feelings. This is when I used to SI, but now I try to replace SI with physical activity. It's the only thing that really works. Or I put on really 'happy' music even if I'm not in the mood.

depressed. not good enough. sad. unworthy.

sick.

GARBAGE - ONLY HAPPY WHEN IT RAINS I'm only happy when it rains I'm only happy when it's complicated And though I know you can't appreciate it I'm only happy when it rains You know I love it when the news is bad And why it feels so good to feel so sad I'm only happy when it rains Pour your misery d...

I was falling into pieces, so I went to my mom, took off my clothes and showed the scars to her. I told my boss. Because we work with mentally-ill people, he knows what it's like. I talked to him vaguely about si. I was leaving my job, going insane, and told him everything. I was crying as hell. He'...

F.: Why can't I give up? I'm not in love, I can't even feel love anymore... What the hell is love supposed to mean anyways?! Why do you always come back at me like an addict... every 2-3 months. What the hell is going on with US? Why can't we stay away from each other. Fuck fuck fuck.

Empty. Nothing. Out of my body. Again.

And triggered. First thing I see when I watch Prozac Nation is that little girl injuring herself. Triggered. Triggered. But it's been 3 weeks today, I'll stay safe. I WILL.

empty empty empty.

G.: You're gutless.

Lonely.
Very lonely.
In love.

Angry at myself.
I was two months SI free, but yesterday I went crazy.
*sigh*

G.: WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO LOVE YOU? I want to be with you, every fucking day of my life, but I'm not even allowed to have a coffee with you! Why did I have to meet you at WORK?! You're obsessing me, and I haven't been this obsessed for a long while. I LOVE YOU and I would just want you to hug me...

Moody as hell.
Sad, for unknown reasons.
Sick.

But at the same time... I feel numb.

^^

Same. It was yesterday, I was at work.
Then I was walking back home at night and I felt like doing it, but I didn't because obviously I was in the middle of the street.

When I got home... I didn't feel like doing it anymore, the idea just vanished for some strange reasons.