kharre's questions coping thread **si, su, others

Post by **sine nomine** » Sun Apr 13, 2003 11:33 pm

These questions were written quite a long time ago, and are the same as those you'll find on the Before & After forum. If you're looking for feedback on your answers, to help you work through your urges, it is worth posting over there. It can be hard work, but be very useful in working out what is happening for you. [To post on this board you need to join the before and after usergroup, information on usergroups can be found here, or you can PM an admin. Depending on who is online, it may take a day or so to get added to a usergroup, feel free to answer the questions here or in a new thread and a coping mod or admin can move it over for you once you're in the usergroup] (Added by Mallie)

this thread is for posting your answers to the assessment questions kharre wrote a long time ago. i'll include them in a reply after this one. the idea is for you to answer them for yourself when you're urgy if you want to. you can post your answers here and talk about them if you've like to share.

please be sure to warn people if there are disturbing bits in your reply/answers. i'm willing to be a bit more accepting of triggery stuff in this thread, but you need to be responsible about warning people what they're in for. this is an experiment; i'm interested in seeing how it goes.

thanks.

love,
deb

Post by **sine nomine** » Sun Apr 13, 2003 11:34 pm

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
How do I feel right now?
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Do I need to hurt myself?

eunomia · Post by **eunomia** » Mon Apr 14, 2003 12:00 am

don't think there's anything really triggery here, just the usual emotions and parent stuff...

admin wrote:

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

i'm depressed, i'm lonely, i feel isolated and distanced. i'm at my parents' at the moment and i'm finding it hard when i'm feeling this low to deal with his constant nagging, criticising, teasing, and utterly insensitive comments and questions

[*]Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

yes, many times. i've tried many different things to cope. nothing really takes those feelings away but if i can distract myself long enough i know it will pass eventually.

[*]What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

i've gone to a different part of the house from my family (though that makes me feel more isolated in a way)
i've ripped up loads of paper
i've scribbled lots and lots on sheets and sheets of paper
i've played with a skoosh ball (if anyone remembers those!)
i've written lots and lots about what's going on right now
i'm sittng here now trying to get through this by writing here

[*]How do I feel right now?

distressed
angry
like i'm about to explode
sad
very very distanced from those physically near to me

[*]How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

nothing

[*]How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

shit
disappointed in myself
angry
more depressed
sore

[*]Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

i hope so. i'm working on it...

[*]Do I need to hurt myself? [/list]

no. no. no. no.

Amaryllis · Post by **Amaryllis** » Tue May 06, 2003 8:29 am

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Current dilemmas in life. Feelings of helplessness, frustration and being trapped in an unforgiving situation.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I have been living this for the last 4 weeks. It is wearing me down. I am sick of talking about it and I can't distract myself all the time.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Reading, writing, talking to friends, walking the dog, comfort eating, hot baths, seeking advice from others.

Don't know what else to do

How do I feel right now?

Calm but its been a hell of a day. Emotional rollercoaster. Nagging thoughts of cutting. Bad enough to contemplate buying razors - as I was away from my usual supply

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Cool and calculating

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Immediately after - satisfied, content...and if its bad enough...pleased with myself. Comforted.

But later...a feeling that it was a blind alley...nothing has changed.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

The stressor is life as it currently is. Real life dilemmas which need resolving but I am not at the right stage to do so.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Hopefully not. Its not going to do any good in the medium to long term. But if I could find another way to deal with feelings of frustration and helplessness that would be good.

Tamrick · Post by **Tamrick** » Tue May 13, 2003 7:31 pm

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I've been very frustrated and angry and have reached the point where I just want it to go away, I feel out of control and controlled by others, I suppose helpless and I want some control back

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes... and I cut... when I didn't cut I ignored it and delayed. I felt the same, maybe getting more angry, until I escaped by sleeping

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Not much except ignore it and tell myslef I can cope. And I'm on the internet writing about it... I can have a bath later, ignore it some more, breathe

How do I feel right now?

Slightly frustrated. And tired... and lonely, but still ok

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Probably nothing, its all done so fast and there is little time to feel, I am actually out of control then...

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I will feel calmer... tomorrow I will feel angry again. The guilt will only come weeks later. I may get depressed more easily though...

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Nope I cannot avoid it, but I can cope with it better.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Nope and tonight I won't...

SpikeDaft · Post by **SpikeDaft** » Fri Jun 13, 2003 9:51 am

[quote="sine nomine"]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

The Bad Feeling. It just comes and usually doesn't warn me, and if I get in it's way I'll explode.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? 

Like I'd better stand aside and let them take over. I never really like to watch; it's messy. It looks like a horror film. And it hurts, dammit.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? 

I can't ease the discomfort. I'll be hurt less, I think, if I just let them take over. I don't really want to find out.
How do I feel right now?

Ominous. Bad Feeling's coming, maybe not today, maybe in a few days. It feels electric inside me, like the air before a summer thunderstorm. I itch, I squirm, I panic sometimes. But I shouldn't. Have to stay in control, not panic. We know what will happen; has been happening for ten years nearly. No need to panic if it's familiar.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself? 

I don't know. I never do. Only after, and after it hurts and I have to take care of it, but I don't want to. It's not my responsibility; it's not me that does these nasty things. I just have to clean up the mess. That makes me mad.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

*

****spoiler SI graphic****

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Pain, bad pain. The kind where you can't move and you can't let anything touch you, because you've not got any skin but you would kill for it, even if it was injured skin. I don't want to see what my muscle looks like under the skin. It's ugly. I don't want to break my hand; that doesn't heal for a year. And I feel ashamed yet dangerous, like I could remove the skin of the whole world and there would be nothing left but me and my scissors.

*

*

*

*

*

*
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? 

I want to deal with it, but it's not my choice. I don't have any control. I become someone else when it happens; they're in control. And I can't avoid them; they're inside me. They won't leave; they just keep bringing more in. Help me, please, someone...every year gets harder and I can't find help.
Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't, but they do. So yeah, in a way I guess the answer is 'yes'. Because it's been so long; it's an addiction, it's a way of life, it's the necessity for life and so you won't explode.

And it's hell. I'm in hell.

Sorry for the post.... lose my hold on it sometimes; sometimes I'm way less composed than normal. Like now, when I feel Bad Feeling approaching slowly. Need to get another tattoo.

Post by **Jomomma** » Sat Jun 14, 2003 6:01 am

[*]Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? I am so scared. I need to do something to release the stress my mind is under right now. I have brought this on myself. It is my fault i feel like i need to si. I am the one that cannot seem to pay attentiong to triggers.

[*]Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? I have been in a place similar before but just like this only once. The last time i was like this i nearly killed myself due to agressive si. I was very angry and scared much as i am now.

[*]What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I am trying to stay here and not leave my office. I know that if i decide to leave then there will be nothing to keep me occupied. All I want to do is get drunk and si. There is nothing I can think of that can keep me from hurting myself right now. The urge is taking over

[*]How do I feel right now? I feel like shit. I want to si so bad but at the same time don't. I am scared and angry. I am afraid to si.

[*]How will I feel when I am hurting myself? I will be angry at myself for putting myself in a position where i feel i need to si.

[*]How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? I will be very angry at myself for giving into the urge. I will hate myself for being so damn stupid

[*]Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I need to learn to stay away from things that i know will trigger me.

[*]Do I need to hurt myself? I need to do something. I cannot last like this for long.

JO

Post by **Jomomma** » Sun Jun 15, 2003 6:01 pm

I decided to come back this morning and read the answers I gave the other night.
A little frightening to see what my mind goes through when I am really upset.
I thnk it was good to answer these questions.
Thanks for having them here.

JO

SpikeDaft · Post by **SpikeDaft** » Mon Jun 16, 2003 1:56 am

It's ok; I understand how scary it is to go back and read these things after you've 'snapped out of it'. But you know, the fact that it is a little scary and you realise this and you realise that, at the time you wrote that, you were in a very different state of mind really shows that no, it's not your fault that you need to si. You were in a a different state of mind, something that is not usually controllable. Especially because that state of mind in not a pleasant one, or one you enjoy being in, and thusly you wouldn't wish it on yourself voluntarily.

So no, it's not your fault, and you're strong enough to realise that your 'usual' self is a very different entity than the self you becaome when you're upset and need to cope by si.

Hang in there, friend. I hope you're feeling better now.

-Spike

jmrladyhawk wrote:I decided to come back this morning and read the answers I gave the other night.
A little frightening to see what my mind goes through when I am really upset.
I thnk it was good to answer these questions.
Thanks for having them here.

JO

angelic212 · Post by **angelic212** » Fri Jun 27, 2003 9:54 pm

i have these questions in my journal so every time i feel like SI or SU i answer them in my journal i dont feel like answering them here cause i dont want to trigger anyone i hope thats ok.

peace and love maria

JustMe118 · Post by **JustMe118** » Sun Jun 29, 2003 4:40 am

one day i'll get the courage to do this

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Mon Jun 30, 2003 6:14 am

[*]Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I need to feel something. It seems my increased meds have made me numb. I was very much in the pits before.. but now i am just floating around, and i cant stand it. My body needs a good shock to get back into action.

[*]Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I SI'ed last time i was in this place. I felt more free. I had a Feeling.

[*]What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I played the waiting game until i was away from people. I dont want to do anything else. Besides, I dont know what else would shock my body that doesnt include pain.

[*]How do I feel right now?
Frustrated that i "cant" SI. Well... that im not supposed to. Maybe its my twisted mind right now... but i just wish i had some support in doing it. Cuz it DOES help. Why does it always have to be a bad thing? I can stay safe. I take good care of the wounds. And i just frikin need to feel something!

[*]How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
A lot of pain. In control. Awaiting some emotional / psychological relief.

[*]How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
For the type of Si.. a lot more pain.. tomorrow morning might be a struggle at work because my wrists will show. Unless i dont do it there....

[*]Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I have no idea because i think the cause is the increase in meds. My dr is a 4hr drive away and doesnt understand me at all anyway.Would have to see a psychiatrist if i wanted to change meds anyway. And i just gave up on counseling, so that is out of the question.

[*]Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes.

Saeth · Post by **Saeth** » Thu Jul 03, 2003 12:35 pm

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I don't know. Stress of exams in a few weeks. I get like this every time I study. I can't fail this year. I can't...

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes I've been here before. I tried to get rid of the feeling by punching a pillow but it wasn't enough. I cut myself. Again.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've been typing, talking to my friend Ntsako. I can make sure I'm never out of sight of people. I won't cut myself in front of anyone but Kimba (my dog).

How do I feel right now?

Like there's a bubble inside my chest waiting to explode. My head feels wobblily? Like the blood is surging too fast through my veins.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Totaly blank, emotionless.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

There'll be a momentary relief and I'll feel calm and content. Then I'll feel like I've betrayed myself and my family. My religeon, everything I've tried to be.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No. And the teachers make it worse. They just pile on the work and tell us if we don't study our rear ends off we will fail. They try and scare us into studying and I just wish they'd stop!

Do I need to hurt myself?

*Sigh* I don't know...I WANT to...but I don't know if I NEED to. But want and need are so alike.

ginger · Post by **ginger** » Tue Jul 22, 2003 10:49 pm

1) I can't feel anything, and then there's some part far underneath where I can't get to that feels on edge, close to breaking up. It's like i feel dead still and moving 180 mph at the same time. I don't understand how they coexist and never cross into each other. I can never articulate feelings when i feel them. There are no words in my head.

2) I have been down this road countless times and it always ends up with me cutting. The problem is that I'm having to cut more to have effect and the periods between are getting shorter.

3) When i am in public, I snap hair elastics that i always have around my wrist and it is effective at temporarily keeping me from drowning.

4) dead and floating, extremely anxious to have resolve.

5) calm and alive and in love with my flesh. highly pleasurable to watch. not much pain.

6)after-what i perceive normal should be. I am only worried about others around me, what they will perceive of it if they should discover. I find the ache in the morning to be a positive anchor. I do worry that i will be discovered and thought less of.

7) The stressor seems to be unavoidable because it comes from within. sometimes it comes from the death and fear of patients at work (ER), but most of the time it is because i am not able to understand, express, even perceive my emotions and i cannot feel at all.

#8 Yes.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Jul 26, 2003 9:45 am

SI TRIGGER!!

.

.

sine nomine wrote:

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

i need to see something flowing out of me. there is too much built up inside me. more than i can handle, mor the can fit in me. what brought me to this place i guess is the natural depression and a bad day.

[*]Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

ive been here before, and i cut, and i didnt get enough flow that would let it all out. i felt some sharp pain.. then i felt a little better. but more numb than better.

[*]What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

ive talked to people who understand. i could go to sleep. and i dont know what else could give me release.. there are no answers, nothing immediate.

[*]How do I feel right now?

i feel extremely depressed, frustrated, distressed, oppressed. i need a force to release

[*]How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

i will feel some sharp pain then release

[*]How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

i probably will go numb.. which isnt exactly the feeling i want.. but it kinda works.. the release will only be during the flow..which cant be for too long..

i dontk now what will work!!

[*]Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

i have absolutely no idea. im sure there is an answer somewhere.

[*]Do I need to hurt myself? [/list]

probably not.. but i dont have any other options that will work. this is at least somethign that semi works.

Chasie · Post by **Chasie** » Sat Aug 02, 2003 2:42 am

sine nomine wrote:

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
-----I need the pain to be outside so I can control it. Life has brought me to this point. My mom would have aborted me if abortions would have been legal. Then lots of stuff and abuse in between then and now. Now are demands on my life as a mom, as a wife, as a pastor's wife, as a teacher, as a person. Hubby more than a little overwhelming/abusive(?)

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? ----- Lately, I live here. First, I had a rope around my neck. Now, I like to cut. Felt in control.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? ------ I've tried to IM with friends. I've tried more moderate to mild forms of pain. I have refrained from food except a little with meds. Nada.

How do I feel right now?
----- Like I am about to explode. My body feels alive. I want pain, controllable pain. I am overwhelmed...trapped...haunted by memories.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? ----- In control...but remote.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
----- I will feel ashamed and scared that someone might notice.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
----- Sure, I probably could deal with it better, but do I want to? And I can't seem to avoid the memories or the demands.

Do I need to hurt myself?
----- Yes.

double_agent15 · Post by **double_agent15** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 7:23 am

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I feel the need to hurt myself because everything is crap. I want to to deal with everything that keeps coming up in my brain. Everything that I can't get rid of. SA, emotional abuse, how I'm so scared of everything. How badly I need help. I want to cut to escape. To just get rid of everything that won't let me get any peace.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I've never been quite here. I've never been pushed this far and not SI-ed. I have no idea how I've managed to last this long. Good friends and late nights. The knowledge that if I do hurt myself it will need medical attention that it will never get. I don't know how i felt then as I was never quite like this. I've been panicky and scared and overwhelmed and threatened to go into dissocitation before, but never this intensely, never this badly. I've never had so much come up and attack me at once. I can't remember how I felt then. Maybe scared. Maybe like there was no way out of it. But I dealt with it by cutting, and I felt okay about that as I knew how badly I needed it. Knew it was that or go crazy.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

So far I have: Written in place. Talked to people through IM's and come up with excuses to make for myself for why I can't. (My sister is still up etc.) I've held ice in my hand..... I don't know what else I can do that will help me deal with this that won't hurt me. I need to deal with it. I can't keep pushing it back down. I don't know what else I can do to even acknowledge that it is hurting me anymore....... It tears my heart out too much to even write out I hurt because....... Cutting seems to be the only way that I can think of to get the words out without saying them.

How do I feel right now?

Right now I feel really bad. Panicky. I feel really scared. I feel like I am about to dissociate for the second time today. I feel like I hate myself. I feel stupid. I feel like I am being an annoying worthless brat. I feel like I am making everything so much worse rather than so much better. I feel like a fake and a failute, because I sucked up my fear and feelings about my mom losing her job and instead went WAY out of my way to make her feel better, and I feel like such a fake because I feel like i shouldn't love her for how much she hurts me, or how much I claim that she hurts me, and then she tells me that she loves me and she will always love me. And I feel like such a worthless piece of shit because I say such things about her and act like such a bitch to her. I feel scared over lissa....I feel hurt over SA.......There are so many things I feel and I can't deal with any of them.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I have no idea how I will feel anymore.... It's been so long. I think that I will feel better that I can adknowledge somehow how much this is hurting and killing me inside. I will feel comforted by the blood. Comforted by the pain. I'll feel better for letting it out somehow. Get high off of the adreniline. Feel release.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I don't know how I will feel tomorrow.... Probably just as anxious as none of the problems will go away. Maybe happy because I have my coping mechanism back. I don't know. I doubt I'll feel regret or guilt. I didn't last time. I knew that I needed it and I wasn't NEARLY as bad then as I was now.... (by last time I mean last time I slipped up) I don't know and at this point I fancy that I am beyond caring. I really don't care but I don't know if it is that I can't care or that I truely don't.......

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I can't avoid it. It is my life and my past that is stressing me out....... One day I will learn how to deal with it better....... But I have no other ideas anymore or right now........

Do I need to hurt myself?

Even after this I still say yes........ I just don't know what else to do anymore.............

1337 933k · Post by **1337 933k** » Sun Aug 17, 2003 11:48 pm

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? - how the hell should i know?

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? - i feelt like cutting. so i cut damnit!!!

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? - so far uctting. death is a nice alternative that wont hurt me

How do I feel right now? - mad. at you. now stfu!

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? - ... in pain?

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? - in pain.. more?

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? - no. no. and no.

Do I need to hurt myself? - if i didnt would i do it?!

caged bird · Post by **caged bird** » Mon Sep 01, 2003 5:15 pm

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Everything fels too much, I dunno if i can cope with it all right now, i'm not even sure why I'm fighting it all of a sudden

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
lots of times, usually i cut, i'm too weak to do anything else, but recently I've thought about Nottingham nad it's made me feel beter, I can smile adn laugh

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Tried the distractions board, i could go and get a drink, talk to someone, look for more fraggle rock pictures for my organiser, tidy my room,

How do I feel right now?
sick, slightly numb, scared that this is never going to go away, angry at myself for not being more in control

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relieved, out of it slightly?

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
gutted and worse than ever before because i will have given in and i've promised not to. hopeless becasue i won't be able to get into uni if i do it

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
can't avoid it - could learn to cope better but hopefully this one stressor won't be around for long

Do I need to hurt myself?
NO, well maybe but i WON'T, DAMNIT I'M NOT GIVING IN

Scoots · Post by **Scoots** » Sat Sep 27, 2003 11:36 pm

[*]Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I feel let down and hurt by people, i feel let down by myself, i feel weak and like i have failed, i feel that the only way to deal with these feelings is to si, i feel scared

[*]Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I've been here many times before, sometimes i did si, sometimes i didn't si, sometimes i attempted su. Sometimes si made me feel better, sometimes worse

[*]What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've felt like this for a couple of days on and off now so have tried quite a lot, reading, writing, posting, talking to friends, playing games, walking, going out. I know i should go to sleep but i don't want to wake up feeling like this again

[*]How do I feel right now?

Empty, numb, sad, hurt, let down,

[*]How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Possibly nothing, possibly anger

[*]How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Sad, angry maybe disappointed but for more than one reason (either cos i did it or cos it didn't work) sore

[*]Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Yes but i need help dealing with it, to work out coping strategies for dealing with it.

[*]Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know, i guess i don't *need* to.....but i'm fairly certain i'd feel better if i did

kharre's questions coping thread **si, su, others

kharre's questions coping thread **si, su, others

Who is online