Help on coming out *si*

[Masseuse]

Hi, I'm new here, as my post count would give away anyway...

I'm 18 and have been harming for about 7 years now, varying on and off in intensity, even left it for about a year. I've been with my boyfriend 2 1/2 years now, and he knows I used to SI, but he doesn't know I still do, he said he'd leave me if I did. However as I'm sure some of you know, it's just not that easy to give up, so I've been resorting to keeping damage to a minimum and spreading it out in time to such an extent it is all I can think about sometimes.

Hiding it is becoming a daily struggle, as we live together and sleep in the same bed au naturel... so he sees every part of me. I've wearing long sleeve tops, arm warmers, gloves, been turning lights off all over the place, been using make up over the marks, always standing with my arms away, turned, anything and everything I can to hide them. But it is taking over my life. I'm in a rough patch now with him and also exams are upon me, which makes things worse. I want to SI every day. The avoidance and elastic band methods aren't helping any more. Nothing will take my mind off it for more than half an hour. My arms are becoming a bit of a mess...

I've been thinking about telling him for a while now, my therapist knows, as do a lot of my friends that I trust. I think if he knew and didn't throw a fit or leave me, I'd be better at controlling it, and if he was behind me and helping me that would be even better. I don't want to lose him though, I don't think I could cope with that, plus I'd have no where to live. I think I just need some help on either a better way of going about things (though I understand I'll have to go elsewhere for help on that), a better way of hiding them on a "I have NO money" basis, or a lot of help on how to tell someone you love and don't want to lose.

Thank you all in advance. I'm at the end of my tether, I need help. Feel free to ask me any questions.

Masseuse

[Miss_Panda]

Ask him why he would leave you.Is he scared?If you know that if you told him, you could control it, let him know.Tell him you´re sorry for hurting him. Let him know you love him, and that you CAN control it.

I´m sorry if this makes no sense, it´s just the advice I got when I asked for him on how to tell someone.


Sorry if it doesn´t help, I tried.

Panda
xxx

[marylou]

You say that all the coping methods aren't working anymore and that the urges are unbearable.
I'd say more also that the secrecy isn't working anymore and that the deception is unbearable.

Basically it is never easy to tell someone, but he already knows your past and still loves so I don't see why that should change. I know SH is often unjustifiable, but maybe if you can find a trigger that re-started it and explain it to him (unless he's the trigger, which could be very damaging), then it may help him to understand. Like if a family memberis ill, or work is stressful, explaining how you were struggling coping, and you turned o old coping mechanisms may help him.
I believe in you, you can tell him.

Good luck!

[Tamrick]

It sounds a little like you are having to choose between your boyfriend and your SI. First decide which is worth more to you and why. You don't want to lose him and yet you don't want to stop the SI... so you really need to think about things.

You are lying to your boyfriend and that is not good in a relationship, but on the other hand you can't go to him and say: I am SIing and you must just live with it. He needs to have some freedom to decide what is acceptable for him too.

I would suggest discussing your feelings and stress with him first. Tel him about the urges and see how he takes it. Then you can tell him you have been SIing and why you hid it from him. And lastly you need to come up with a plan that is acceptable to both of you - are you going to try to stop SIing or not? Will you call him or chat to him when you get an urge? Could he perhaps not leave immadiately and give you some support and if so, what kind of support.

Talk through everything. In a relationship there must be boundaries. You wouldn't let him beat you up and nor would you like it if he ran away for a week when he was angry. He doesn't like it when you hurt yourself and that is usually because he cares for you and hates to see you hurt. Just talk to him and be honest and open, but be constructive about what can be done too.

Good luck. I hope your exams go well and that the stress will decrease gradually. Keep trying distracting methods and make sure you have someone you can talk to. Hang in there.

Tamrick

[Masseuse]

Thank you all for your help, I appreciate it... I think I'm going to try to talk to him after exams are over.
I'll bear in mind all the things you've said.

Thank you so much, it's a real relief to know that people are there to try and help