Trigger happy, anyone?

[kurdt_kobain]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

The feeling will go away for a while. That's all that matters.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will make this...black depression/apathy/need to bleed...leave me alone. It will make the tight burning in my arms and fingertips go away. You see, when I get upset, my arms and finger tips and legs begin to feel as if they're warmer. And when I SI, that tension goes away. I get so tense sometimes too. I don't know what it is. I hate it. I want it to go away, it it wants me to bleed.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

It will push this feeling away for a little while. That's all I want. Just a little while where I'm not feeling this, please.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Then? I'll SI again. I don't know why. I can deal with it when it's caused by another person. Just...I flip up when I can't pinpoint the cause of this feeling, and so I can't write that person a letter or write down how I'm feeling without sounding stupid. I need...something. I don't know. I don't have that thing. I know I'm missing something; I have to be missing that something normal people have that keeps them from hurting themselves. I need to find that something. I need to get over this.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could call a hotline? But I'll sound lame. I could eat popcorn and sleep. I could paint my nails, or read a book. But none of that will make the feeling go away. It will always be there, just under my arms. I hate this. They feel like my face feels when I blush.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

It will be harder to forget because they'll be a reminder of it on my body. It will be another cut I'll have to hide. I'll feel better before it stops bleeding, and I'll have to tend to it and keep it better before I can forget about the feeling. Maybe if I close my eyes I'll calm down?

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know. I wish I did. I really wish someone would tell me a good way to cope.