here again, but with an urge

[littlethings]

Well, I suppose I am thoroughly abusing this forum, but I need to post again. The last few days have been so hard. I feel every moment like I'm on the brink of tears- but I don't know what's wrong, or why I feel like this.

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I don't know what the situation is. I don't know why this is so hard. Why can't I maintain composure? There's nothing wrong! But I feel like I'm going to pieces. I shouldn't want it this bad- it's only been 3 days- this is my 4th. Why is it this hard?

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Hurting myself will make me feel calm. I could probably figure out what was bothering me in the first place. But hurting myself won't help the problem, and it won't help me learn how to figure out my problems without hurting myself.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't know what's bothering me. Until I figure that out I have no idea what I want. It's very odd, but I have no clue. I have a theory, I think my Bad Thoughts are creeping up, but I don't know what they are saying. I had kind of a fight with my head the other day, and since then it's been like a background growl. It's been making me terribly uncomfortable. I want to stop hurting myself to deal with things, so I suppose whatever the situation is hurting myself isn't a good choice.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will probably last the rest of the night. Not much longer. I can’t tell because of all of these strange feelings.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I don't know. I'm trying to write, but I don't know what to do. Because I can't identify what I feel, I don't know what I can do to help it. I tried my usual 'organize everything in sight' last night and earlier today, but it stopped helping.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Tomorrow if I don't hurt myself, I am very likely to be urgey again, and a little freaked out. That's what’s happened the past two nights. If I self-injure I will probably feel guilty & ashamed.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right.
Oh, I really don't know! I wish I did. My body is telling me to self-injure. But I don't have a reason. I can't slip for no reason at all. I can't let myself do this, but I have nothing else to do.

I have to say one more thing. It could be ED triggering, so please, keep that in mind before you read the next paragraph

------ ED Trigger ------

I purged today. I've been eating very healthy- trying to lose a little bit of weight, and I finally succeeded, although I won't put # here of course. I was proud. I ate lunch. Someone bought me a doughnut. I ate it. It didn't stay down very long. I feel like shit about it. I don't have an ED- I lost the weight totally healthily, with a normal amount of calories. I haven't purged in months.

----- End ED Trigger -----

I don't know. That probably has something to do with the above, but I just don't know. So I had to get it out. Normally I do so much navel-gazing…it’s not like me to not know why I’m like this. I don’t know how to describe the feeling…I don't have an ED, so that's a strange behavior for me. I don't know what's happening.

JoAnna

[sine nomine]

you could only abuse this forum if you were being off-topic.

it's interesting that you're seeing this in terms of what your body needs. what is it about self-harm that your body needs? it might be hard to do without slipping, but if you could think abotu the physical sensations and figure it out, you might be able to figure out what it is that you're really wanting. i wonder if it's a combination of the phsyical sensation and maybe the distraction form the bad thoughts that are sneaking up on you? i men, if you hurt yourself, you'll have that issue to deal with and won't have to worry about the other stuff for a while longer. i used to do that, so i could be projecting.

deb

[littlethings]

Thanks Deb. It's an interesting point, you may be projecting, but it would seem that you are right...

Lets see:

I put it in terms of what my body wants because when I get triggered to this extent my body experiences several sensations.

I tend to be very shakey, sometimes I twitch. Other times I will feel tightness in my stomach or chest. Last night I was so upset I started to feel physically dirty and had to take a long shower just to convince myself I was clean. The other day I was with my mother and had to cover my arm because I felt like I had wounds there (even though I know I didn't, and I don't even self-injure my arms).

Right now I also feel sort of ill- but I think that's because of my behavior today.

If I self-injure all of those physical sensations will subside. I know this from past experience. Certainly I want that- but I don't want to have to use SI to get there.

I think that also the physical relief provides enough of a distraction/release that I am able to ignore the thoughts.

However, this is unusual. I think the thoughts are there- but they are more emotive than vocal, which is very hard to describe. Normally I 'hear' something in my head. In this case I 'feel' something in my head- that feels similar to what the thoughts would make me feel if they were being heard. Still, the feelings are somewhat outside myself, like I am touching them, but not actually experiencing them.

JoAnna