bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel in control, the situation won't change although it may give me an excuse to do what i'm meant to be doing tomorrow instead
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring a reason, a focus, a solution to the unending problems in my head. take away some of the hope and confidence i'd been feeling lately.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i mentioned to someone today that long-term goals have been impossible for me to believe in for a while but i think i'm starting to see enough hope that maybe i could achieve something if i set my mind to it. she said that it sounds like i've been coasting, with vague goals, and that's not entirely true but it felt like i will never be good enough. if i plan for the future i will achieve something, but if i try for something that's too hard i won't be able to achieve it. if i focus on short-term goals i'm much more energised and hopeful. i don't think i can risk long-term ideas right now, not without a lot of support and encouragement (which i can get, but i don't trust?).
  anyway, excuse that ramble. unfortunately, in the long run i expect to be dead, so i don't really care if i si.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  relief might be numbness. i don't really want to be numb in my t appt on thurs, but before then it would be helpful. i don't know if the numbness will feel like relief for very long, it won't fix any problems except for the feelings that are bothering me.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could listen to music. i could give myself space to feel or journal or breathe, maybe that would be effective. i could go read a book, distract myself. those things could help for a few mins. distraction would probably help the best, if i gave myself permission to not do the work i'm meant to do.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si i will be happier tomorrow, i will care a lot less and be a lot less anxious about my tues group. i might also be disappointed and worried about things if i si. if i read and distract, i might wake up tomorrow with more motivation? or i might feel just as lost and scared.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to feel safe. i want to feel like i'm capable and useful but i also don't know what areas would make me feel that. i don't know if volunteer work is "enough" to feel that way, and i don't know if my hobbies and interests can be encouraged and turned into more productive, more social activities. if i move too fast, if i push for too much, i'm sure i'm going to feel too much and not be able to cope. i want my t to help me unpack past stuff and i want to give myself small goals, not "get a job, get a social life, get a partner, travel, and continue with all my current goals as well" (which is what i think other people expect, what the person i was talking to today seemed to be saying).
  i can't motivate myself if i'm sure i'm going to fail. it would be against my own health to push myself into things i'm not willing or able to do. but i can work on goals without pushing too hard, one step at a time i can make changes, who cares if i takes years?

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  i mentioned the person i talked to. i also am trying to do something for my volunteer job that's more complicated than i thought. i need to download some files from multiple emails, rename them, sort them, open them all, make sure i know the author of various papers (about 6 or 8?) and write a small letter of appreciation to those people (individually with their names and addresses which i might not have). i was meant to have done this a week or so ago, but there isn't a real deadline, it just has to be done in the next few weeks. i am feeling stuck, and overwhelmed, and like i can't do this, so i can't do "anything".
  i feel angry at myself and deserving of punishment. i feel upset from various small issues like not enough sleep, my sister being a bit tired and stressed, seeing a show a few days ago that ended with a slightly sad point, feeling like i'm not enough, feeling self-hate. i watched a video today about self-criticism and it made me feel a bit sad that i have to live with the voices in my head that i learned to think to protect myself but which just hurt me, and i feel helpless like i have no control over that.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  i haven't dealt with this particular mess of emotions. sometimes feeling overwhelmed and anxious about completing a task it helps to break it into smaller parts and if i can get one part of that done tonight and schedule other parts for tomorrow then i could feel a lot more in control.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i started playing a game, it didn't help. i made tea and had it with a piece of cake, that was relaxing and helpful but not for long. i could distract, i could find stuff online or go read. i could try to break the task into bits and just do one bit tonight so that i'm not so overwhelmed.
• How do I feel right now?
  angry, sad, like i could scream
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  right, calm, carefree
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  heavy, sad, worried, annoyed, distant
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  not sure. i didn't realise the bunch of little triggers that would impact my mood and the task being overwhelming.
• Do I need to hurt myself?i will try to start the task, and then go read, and if that works to calm me down then i won't si. if it doesn't work, i might come back on bus, or try to sleep, or take meds. i don't know if anything will work, since it feels a bit like my feelings are no longer connected to present-day stuff but are more complicated than that.