before

tools to help you assess your urges before you give in to them, and to help you understand and learn from slips after they happen. by posting here, you're saying that you are serious about exploring the feelings behind your self-harm in depth, whether you're ready to stop hurting yourself or not. to request posting access, click usergroups above and join before and after.

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treasure
forum moderator - workshop & before & after
forum moderator - workshop & before & after
Posts: 11079
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 8:32 pm
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Location: Melbourne, Australia

before

Post by treasure » Mon Apr 15, 2019 12:41 pm

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
  • how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
    i will feel in control, the situation won't change although it may give me an excuse to do what i'm meant to be doing tomorrow instead
  • what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
    bring a reason, a focus, a solution to the unending problems in my head. take away some of the hope and confidence i'd been feeling lately.
  • how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
    i mentioned to someone today that long-term goals have been impossible for me to believe in for a while but i think i'm starting to see enough hope that maybe i could achieve something if i set my mind to it. she said that it sounds like i've been coasting, with vague goals, and that's not entirely true but it felt like i will never be good enough. if i plan for the future i will achieve something, but if i try for something that's too hard i won't be able to achieve it. if i focus on short-term goals i'm much more energised and hopeful. i don't think i can risk long-term ideas right now, not without a lot of support and encouragement (which i can get, but i don't trust?).
    anyway, excuse that ramble. unfortunately, in the long run i expect to be dead, so i don't really care if i si.
  • if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
    relief might be numbness. i don't really want to be numb in my t appt on thurs, but before then it would be helpful. i don't know if the numbness will feel like relief for very long, it won't fix any problems except for the feelings that are bothering me.
  • what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
    i could listen to music. i could give myself space to feel or journal or breathe, maybe that would be effective. i could go read a book, distract myself. those things could help for a few mins. distraction would probably help the best, if i gave myself permission to not do the work i'm meant to do.
  • how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
    if i si i will be happier tomorrow, i will care a lot less and be a lot less anxious about my tues group. i might also be disappointed and worried about things if i si. if i read and distract, i might wake up tomorrow with more motivation? or i might feel just as lost and scared.
  • what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
    i want to feel safe. i want to feel like i'm capable and useful but i also don't know what areas would make me feel that. i don't know if volunteer work is "enough" to feel that way, and i don't know if my hobbies and interests can be encouraged and turned into more productive, more social activities. if i move too fast, if i push for too much, i'm sure i'm going to feel too much and not be able to cope. i want my t to help me unpack past stuff and i want to give myself small goals, not "get a job, get a social life, get a partner, travel, and continue with all my current goals as well" (which is what i think other people expect, what the person i was talking to today seemed to be saying).
    i can't motivate myself if i'm sure i'm going to fail. it would be against my own health to push myself into things i'm not willing or able to do. but i can work on goals without pushing too hard, one step at a time i can make changes, who cares if i takes years?

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer
  • Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
    i mentioned the person i talked to. i also am trying to do something for my volunteer job that's more complicated than i thought. i need to download some files from multiple emails, rename them, sort them, open them all, make sure i know the author of various papers (about 6 or 8?) and write a small letter of appreciation to those people (individually with their names and addresses which i might not have). i was meant to have done this a week or so ago, but there isn't a real deadline, it just has to be done in the next few weeks. i am feeling stuck, and overwhelmed, and like i can't do this, so i can't do "anything".
    i feel angry at myself and deserving of punishment. i feel upset from various small issues like not enough sleep, my sister being a bit tired and stressed, seeing a show a few days ago that ended with a slightly sad point, feeling like i'm not enough, feeling self-hate. i watched a video today about self-criticism and it made me feel a bit sad that i have to live with the voices in my head that i learned to think to protect myself but which just hurt me, and i feel helpless like i have no control over that.
  • Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
    i haven't dealt with this particular mess of emotions. sometimes feeling overwhelmed and anxious about completing a task it helps to break it into smaller parts and if i can get one part of that done tonight and schedule other parts for tomorrow then i could feel a lot more in control.
  • What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
    i started playing a game, it didn't help. i made tea and had it with a piece of cake, that was relaxing and helpful but not for long. i could distract, i could find stuff online or go read. i could try to break the task into bits and just do one bit tonight so that i'm not so overwhelmed.
  • How do I feel right now?
    angry, sad, like i could scream
  • How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
    right, calm, carefree
  • How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
    heavy, sad, worried, annoyed, distant
  • Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
    not sure. i didn't realise the bunch of little triggers that would impact my mood and the task being overwhelming.
  • Do I need to hurt myself?i will try to start the task, and then go read, and if that works to calm me down then i won't si. if it doesn't work, i might come back on bus, or try to sleep, or take meds. i don't know if anything will work, since it feels a bit like my feelings are no longer connected to present-day stuff but are more complicated than that.
treasure
virtual hugs welcome.
shiny place or old place

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