Before

[sojourner_steph]

before

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I will stop wanting SI for a moment, I'll feel relieved to have just given in and not constantly be so tense and feeling like it all the time - even if that only lasts a short time. It will help me calm down and not feel emotions as much as I am right now. It will mean that I don't have to think about or feel stuff about stuff that happened today at my counselling appointment or the last few days with study stuff being hard - if I SI it won't matter anymore - It will feel good for a short while. And then - possibly for a few days it will make me feel stuff again, but about SI, i won't care about my counselling appointment going badly or about study being hard - it will shift my focus and I'll be upset about SI instead. Right now - I want that. I want an escape from feeling stuff about this even if it doesn't last.
  
  It will only change my feelings on the short term. It won't solve anything. And after a little while that stuff will come back and probably feel worse. Right now - I don't care - I just want this to go away even if it's just for a moment.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  I sort of answered this above
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to not want SI anymore. I want to learn to deal with stuff without it. I want to get over things. I want to not feel like this anymore. I want to not be stupid and feel things and spend all day lying in bed distracting myself with the Internet like I did today - I hate me for that.
  
  Or - I just want to die (not in an SU way, just I really want to die) - I don't care anymore - I don't feel hope that stuff's going to change right now. I hate me so much for still being this. And I honestly believe that everyone would be better off without me. So - I really want to die.
  
  I moved away from the question - I want to eventually get to not SIing - so going in to SI is going to take me further away from that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  A few hours? Maybe the not thinking about stuff and thinking about SI instead might last a few days. I don't know what I'd do after.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I thought about writing thoughts about my counselling session today and about study stuff in my place. But - I don't think I can write too much about it right now. I think if I try, I'll feel stuff more strongly and be more likely to give in to SI. Maybe tomorrow if I don't feel as strongly then.
  
  I've been distracting myself all day. . . Which just makes me hate myself more. I haven't achieved anything. And I've been stupid and felt stuff and spent the entire day lying in bed distracting myself with the Internet.. And I hate me so much for that.
  
  I can't think of anything I can do which would change the situation or change how I feel.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I SI - awful, guilty, regret
  
  If I don't - how I feel now - awful, stuff hurts
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to die. I want to not feel stuff. I want to not be this anymore - I hate me for it. That's not answering that question at all. . . I wish I could not feel alone. But I'm not going to talk to anyone IRL

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Counselling session this morning going really badly
  
  Study stuff
  
  Felling stuff in general for a while - stuff just hurts - I've wanted SI most days most of the time fairly strongly at least the past week (probably months actually - I don't remember). It's been awhile since I've given in to SI though - a couple months - I just really want it.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes. I don't know. . . . . . Write stuff. Talk to people.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  Distracted myself - that doesn't "ease" anything, just distracts me
  For a short time.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Bad
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Good
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Bad
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I don't know.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No. But I want to. For now I'm trying.

[treasure]

hi sojourner_steph. i'm sorry you are hurting so much, i can understand wanting the torment to stop.

i find distraction quite helpful but usually it's fairly obvious that it's helping because i start feeling calmer and when si thoughts and feelings bug me it's not for long, i can push my focus back to the distraction. if it helps for you, that's good, it doesn't matter what it is, but if it's not helping then you need to try something else.

good self-care strategies might depend on what you are thinking and feeling - like what about your appointment was so difficult and what you are thinking about study - but there's always things you can do that help you feel better. like grounding yourself in the present, in the physical world rather than in your head - physically holding something, playing with water or sand, lighting incense or oils, drinking or eating something with awareness, etc.

i know it's hard to do something positive and helpful when you are feeling negative and self-destructive but you don't have to carry the weight of all that emotion if you can focus on something else, it will get easier. just a small step - try to do one positive and healthy thing. if you can't, there will be other opportunities to try, you don't need to beat yourself up about si-ing.