Before

[Eisa]

Before You Self-Harm

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  -There's been a lot of drama on Tumblr that I've read through today about a person who's very unsafe--but reading about it and then reading people's responses has made me feel very unstable and horrible, especially because some of the responses are bringing up memories/flashbacks/etc.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  -Honestly, no, I haven't really before. Things on Tumblr have upset me before, but not usually in the sense of bringing up RA memories before.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  -Listened to music, tried to distract myself with my happy Tumblr, reblogging Pokemon pictures, etc. Um...I guess I could make a Polyvore set about how I feel, or something calming, or cuddle a stuffed animal. I could switch, but I'm afraid my emotions and flashbacks and everything would leak through to whoever came out, and I don't want to do that.
• How do I feel right now?
  -Like I am the most worthless human being on the planet, and my existence should be erased.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  -Like it's what should happen.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  -Like I've atoned for something, but it won't last, it will be a very fleeting feeling, and then I'll go right back to feeling awful, and then doubly awful for having given in and relapsed.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  -Be more careful about looking up information about unsafe people in such huge chunks, for a start, that wasn't a good plan...I knew I shouldn't keep reading, but I did, anyway.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  -Hopefully not. Still trying not to.