have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes
what had happened just before?
i can't remember. i was just thinking about how i had cuts that said "fat" while i was in *Literally Satan's Playhouse* and i had showed it to another patient, and she said it wasn't true. then, after i cut the word "fat" into myself, i cut the word "liar" because they didn't believe me when i said i'd been raped there
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt violated. hurt. hurt by a sudden but inevitable betrayal. (firefly reference, for all you non-geeks lol)
when i was in the hospital (which i now call Literally Satan's Playhouse for obvious and not so obvious reasons) i was sexually assaulted and they said it was silliness, it didn't happen, and we would never speak of it again. it made me so fucking angry, like i wanted to cry and punch the doctor in his big fat nose (no offence to anybody with big fat noses, it's just that his particular nose pissed me off because of what he said, all noses are beautiful)
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i felt like it.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
first, i was looking at thinspo, and felt fat. then i remembered what i remembered, and felt the need to cut, i could have not looked at thinspo, but let's be honest here. thinspo is an addiction, just like drugs, alcohol, food, or self harm
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
probably being off my meds. they didn't give me meds in the hospital when i went there a few days ago until today for a mental health tune up (explain to me how a fucking mental hospital thinks that being off celexa and not replacing it with another antidepressant will make you better?)
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried listening to twenty one pilots, but it was apparently the wrong song (guns for hands) because the beginning
("When the sun shines on the ground
And shows what you have done
It shows where your mind has gone
And you swearing to your parents
That it will never happen again")
just made me want to do it more. i guess it triggered me more, so i need to avoid this particular song when i haven't self harmed in a while.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have switched songs, i could have come on here, i could have not created the opportunity to self harm, etc.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
post them on my wall and snap a rubber band
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now?
i feel better, if only for a little while. i know the pain of the actual harm will bother me later, but right now i like it.
is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's not resolved. i need to talk with my therapist about it. maybe ask her about trauma focused CBT therapy
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will recognize it by a desperate feeling, like i will explode if i don't cut
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
talk to my mom or grandma
play with my new stim toys
use any of my plethora of coping skills that i've collected over the years
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
it just felt like i would cry if i didn't cut
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i made one. i had to gather something to SH with, i had to lock my door so my brother didn't walk in, i had to turn on music so nobody would hear me
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
probably called my grandma threatening suicide. which is not a good way of handling it.
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
increased, then eventually decreased
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
all of the above, as well as having a moment to myself
If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
suicidal