Before:
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel grounded. It will get rid of the edge.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring relief and distraction from the memories I am reliving. It will take away my ability to think through what's going on and will keep me from learning to deal with the memory in the future.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to never make any memories like the ones I'm reliving again, which involves accepting myself as I am such that no part of me feels the need to black out and escape from intimacy.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will last for the night, but it will be accompanied by guilt and shame. Then I'll want to hurt myself more.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I already talked on the phone to B, not about the memories exactly but just about random stuff. It was helpful and I am feeling a bit more in the present but I would still very much like to SI, to stay here, to take the edge off, to get away from the memories in a more familiar, less terrifying way. I can fill out the rest of the before questions, read the book I'm really enjoying, and then go to sleep.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will be frustrated and feel shame. I want to be open cut free when I see B in a week. If I do the other thing, I might wake up tomorrow morning feeling refreshed, and even if I still have an edge, I will be well-rested and be able to go to the gym to burn off the stress.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?[/list] I really want to hug B and have her talk to me. This is not an option because she is hundreds of miles away. I can honor the instinct by remembering that the fading out and blacking out is a mechanism for a part of me to help me escape from the feelings of self-hate for being gay.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that. I need to remember this.
More Before Questions To Answer
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I watched a movie that I shouldn't have and it brought me flashbacks. Also being so far away from B makes it difficult to get the reassurance that I need that I am okay as I am and that being attracted to her is okay.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I have been here before. I have suffered through blacking out and it was terrible. I still feel lost and alone from it.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
My plan for the rest of the night sounds manageable
How do I feel right now?
Sad and confused.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
In control and present.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
On some level I will feel better because my head won't be spinning. And I feel braver with cuts, because I have a way to deal with how I'm feeling. But I will feel like I let myself down. And I don't want to have marks when I see B.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid the stressor, but I can work harder in therapy to address it.
Do I need to hurt myself?
No, but I already reflexively pulled out my hair when all of this was happening tonight and it sort of feels like, what the hell. Might as well. I'll do my best though.
