Before

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Things that seem like nothing have been piling up. My meds are maybe not perfectly balanced, I was hypomanic two-three weeks ago, got up at 3 AM to bake cookies, stuff like that (nothing really damaging though except some overspending). My old and very nice doctor quit, I'm seeing someone new next month. Nervous about that.
  Then my oldest son got married, it was a lovely wedding, everyone was so friendly, I had a blast but the next day I crashed from tiredness.
  And then... someone I didn't really know, we just happened to be in the same group, posted a suicide note on facebook. Someone did know her brother however, her family got her to hospital and she is doing better now. Even though I didn't know her it affected me. At about the same time, another person online, someone I did know to an extent since we always read each other's blogs, made an attempt and was unconscious for two days.
  After that, a man was interviewed on our leading tv talk show about his time in a cult that I once belonged to. Stirred up all kinds of stuff. I have his book on my coffee table now, find it hard to keep myself from reading although it doesn't do me any good.
  And I'm feeling the stirrings of a bothersome psych symptom that I thought was under control.
  
  I just feel a sort of pressure in my head from everything, thoughts, feelings.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Write. Talk. Cry. Sometimes (many times) it has helped very much, put things into perspective. Sometimes it's just words.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have been socializing and acting "normal", birthday party for my husband, etc. - at least it keeps me from doing anything drastic at the time. I talked to my psych nurse Monday, she is very sweet, although I didn't tell her everything. I just started going to the gym (only twice so far so it's not yet a habit). I went to bed very early last night because I was tired of the world, so woke up at 3 AM. I have lit a scented candle, had some hot cocoa and try to read upbeat stuff on the net. I should probably try to go back to sleep for a bit.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Sad that the world is a shitty place for so many. A little paranoid. Anxiety pressure over my chest and stomach and neck. Too many thoughts in my head.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Distant.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Right after - disappointed that I couldn't do more, but I can't risk having to go get stitched up. Later - probably stressed out by having to deal with people's (my husband, my nurse) reactions. Feel trapped by the fact that I can't do it without people becoming concerned, and at the same time I find it hard to lie if I'm asked about it.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  All those things are life. I can stop to read facebook, blogs, books and watch tv, but I don't really want to, I get a lot of positives out of it as well. And I can't stop going to family occasions, that would just be sad. I hope I can learn to simply sit with the feelings, sometimes I can, sometimes not.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  I will sleep on it.