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Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It won't really change, I will just have a quick fix to the immediacy of my impulsiveness and depression. I will have a momentary distraction.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring a sense of control over my own life and revenge. I think I will feel a little revenge because I'm angry with him for accusing me of so many things. It will take away my image of myself as someone centered, stable, and recovered.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't want to be so childish and immature about it. I want to be able to handle his instability without becoming unstable. I don't want to be so emotional about it. I guess SI will not help in the long run.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  That is a good question. It will last a little while. Then it will no longer be a viable solution. I don't know what I'll do. I don't know how to fix this.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I can go to sleep. I can hope that the buspar helps, and I wake up tomorrow feeling something different. I can hope that he will get better, that things will not always be like this. I can start counseling up again.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will feel better tomorrow in *me* if I sleep. I may feel better mixed-state wise if I hurt myself.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I like that this instinct is self-protective. I think that is absolutely true. What I really need is to work through my feelings. I think part of me is feeling jealous that I have to give him all this attention when I'm not doing well. Part of me is feeling angry with him for making it so hard to have a normal conversation or do anything normal together. Part of me is just feeling so out of control of my life, since I can't control the wedding and I can't control him, and I can't control this crappy thing that is happening to me despite all of the time and effort I put into getting better myself. Part of me is terrified of getting married in a few weeks. Part of me is just anxious for no reason. I need to figure these parts out. I need to handle them before they handle me. I need to control myself in a more constructive, long-term way.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I feel so impulsive, like everything is jangling inside of me.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I waited it out. I quenched it with medications.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Talking to people (friend/bf), messing with my skin. I can do this. I can try to understand myself. I can set up counseling appointments. I can go to sleep.
• How do I feel right now?
  hypomanic in a bad way and very depressed- mixed stateish. I feel very impulsive, like I need to do something, anything, to get this crap out of me. I need to throw up my emotions. I feel very out of control of my life.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Good. I think it will feel like I'm doing something, taking action, to try to recenter my emotions.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  I don't know. Probably not great, but maybe not awful. I'm just feeling very off right now.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I am going to have to learn to deal with it as I am marrying it in two weeks.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No, but i need to do something. I can't feel like this continually; it's not stable.