write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
I feel so tensed, feels like I'm going to snap or explode. I don't want to explode, somehow it feels safer to take it out on myself. At the same time I feel so tired, I can't concentrate on anything. I hate myself because I can't get any work done and it's making me feel useless.
What's going on that I feel this way?
Being with my dad yesterday, feeling like I don't belong there, not knowing what to do with that feeling. Memories coming back, and I don't know what to do with them, I'd really like to forget about them really. But I know that I have to go through them someday...
On the other being stressed about work, working in mental health care and our team is falling apart. Some colleagues are calling in sick, others keep on going but are demotivated, very tired and out of energy. I don't want to go through that again (our team has already a history of a lot of change in colleagues), having new colleagues and not knowing whether you can depend on them or not (which is necessary being in risk of physical agressive behaviour by our clients). I don't feel like I'll be able to cope with it as I feel already tired all the time. I feel like I can do what I need to do at work, but when asked more of me (like helping with new colleagues) I will be in over my head.
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will not change anything. It will make it worse. But I hope to have less physical tension. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?Nothing
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't want to feel anything right now. I will have that feeling on the moment itself, but it won't last. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I could try to get some sleep. It will change my energylevel. I will feel less tired tomorrow.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I was able to call someone (someone specific, 'cause I find it hard to trust someone and to bother people with my complaints), but I feel like I've already called too much. I feel like there is no point. There will not be a solution, because I worry about things in the future and in the past. I basically have no relationship with my dad and everytime I try I notice it will not happen, because I'm so different. I see my brother and sister being able to have one with him, but I am unable. I feel like he is not interested in me for me. But that is not to be solved by a phonecall.
Normally I have therapy, but my therapist is on holliday. I will be alble to talk to him next week. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have done nothing so far, just being busy. I could try to go to sleep, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop thinking. Maybe I can have some hot coco and just try to fall asleep. - How do I feel right now? Tired, sad, yet agitated.
- How will I feel when I am hurting myself? It will feel like a relief, but I will feel failed too. It will state that I am hurting.
- How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Mostly failed and guilty. I already bit myself, but I want to cut. The thought of leaving a mark afterwards and having to explain to other people is helping not to do it. Yet I feel it will locate my problem on my body on the other hand. I know it's a weird thought. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I could not go visit my dad at christmas, but then I would feel guilty. I could limit the amount of time there spent, but I don't want to hurt him by just no staying long. I could make an excuse, but then I would feel guilty (but yet relieved).
I can't do anything about work, it's a real risk but it is not yet happened. - Do I need to hurt myself?
No, I figure I could try to get some sleep. Writing this helps, just having it written down helps to downsize the chaos in my head. I know that me being tired is making me feel worse than what I would normally feel in this situation.