Before

[Stellaria]

I don't think it's that serious, but still... I need to get a grip.

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Probably a mix of things. I went to a family gathering Saturday, I love everyone who was there but it got stressful, just being around people. I'm going to a funeral tomorrow, a person I have never met but still, funerals are funerals. I keep having dreams about the education I screwed up. But probably the main factor is that I'm adjusting my medication, lowering my antipsychotic. I have been getting "horror movie images" in my head, mostly about cutting my hands off, and sometimes I obsessively count focused on dates in the calendar.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes, both the stressful stuff and the semi-psychotic stuff. For stress, I focus on my breathing, try harder to be social, then try to get out of the situation gracefully. It doesn't really change how agitated I feel afterwards (unless I got away from the situation before it turned bad) but making an effort to be social at least lets me keep my friends and family. So it's good even if it doesn't feel good. Or I SI, which provides a moment of quick relief.
  
  The other stuff... I try to let the thoughts run straight through me, without putting up too much resistance. Distract distract distract. Computer is good, reading magazines, finding someone to talk to, it has to engage my mind. As long as I'm not too tired it makes me feel safer. If it's bad, I take diazepam, which dulls the edges and makes it more manageable. Or I SI, which provides a moment of quick relief OR becomes very scary, depending on what my "images" are.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I talked to my husband about how I'm doing so someone would know about it. When I have been home alone I have been busy talking to people on the computer and making new blog friends. Yesterday, I decided I should not be at home alone so I went to another city and played tourist, walked lots to make myself physically tired. I took some diazepam in the afternoon and made sure I went to bed at a reasonable hour. Soon I will be doing crossword puzzles with my husband.
  
  What I don't want to do is call a doctor. My regular pdoc is away for health reasons. I have seen someone else once, but he is just temporarily at the clinic. But most of all, I have experienced this at other times when my meds have been adjusted and after a while when the body got used to it, it was ok. It's nowhere near as bad as it can get.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Tempted. A bit agitated. Not quite real.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Strong. Ambivalent. Unhuman. Excited.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Maybe satisfied, maybe wanting more. If it's a deep cut I'll be shocked by my own viciousness. But there will be calm.
  
  Tomorrow - I might be mad at myself for more practical reasons. It's summer, it's bad enough when white scars show, but to have fresh wounds - I don't show them, so it will be back to long sleeves and no swimming. That would be plain stupid.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Not really. There will always be the demands of social life, and I will probably always juggle meds. I don't know how to deal better.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  Want to want to want to. Don't need to.

[Stellaria]

Want to. Don't need to.