- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Of course I'll have that initial rush, followed by the calm. Followed by shame, and possibly escalation/relapse back into my old SI habits. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will take away my ability to say I haven't SI'd in 5 years. And that's a huge deal. Also, it will make my current situation worse b/c my bf will not react well. We've both worked hard to get me to this point and. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel like I have handled what's going on with maturity. I want to be SI free for the rest of my life. Obviously, SI will take me far away from my goals. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I'm worried that if I SI I will spiral out of control. I've been there, and I'm done. DONE. I am stronger than this. I have proved it repeatedly. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Well, I'm basically completing these Before questions instead of hurting myself. After this, I may go write in my Place (which I haven't done in years), or in my journal. I'm not sure which yet. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
We're stuck in a rut. Money flow is an issue and an ongoing stresser. I feel like it's breaking me. It's like it's lowered my immune system, and other stressers that usually aren't so important seem blown out of proportion. I'm lonely. I haven't connected with my coworkers outside of work and haven't involved myself in any other activities where I would meet people. I enjoy hanging out with my bf, but it's important to have Girl Time too...something I don't get very often anymore. My grandfather made a hurtful comment to me this morning. At first I just thought it made me mad, and it wasn't until I was stewing over it most of the day that I realized that the anger was a reaction to how hurt I was by what he said. I'm having a hard time letting it go. And again, would it have hurt me so much if my "immune system" wasn't down? I'm really not sure. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes. Usually I just distract myself and move on to something else. Tonight tho I really feel like...wallowing? I'm not sure if I'm dwelling on everything, and I'm here to just make myself feel worse, or if I really am here to work some stuff out. I guess you can't just sweep everything under the rug all the time. Eventually you have to face it all. I hope that's what I'm doing now. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I got a long hug from my bf. I told him about the comment. He didn't really say much about it - probably b/c whatever he wanted to say was less than flattering things about my grandfather, since the comment made was about my bf. I'm considering calling my brother and talking to him about it but I'm worried that I'll break down and cry. - How do I feel right now?
I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. Like something has to give. Things have not been going well lately...surely something good has to happen soon? - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I'm skipping this one- if I put too much thought into how it would feel, it will be that more tempting. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Like a failure. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
None of this can be avoided. I guess one could say that not having connected with anyone around here is "my fault", but it just hasn't worked out yet. Maybe soon. As far as my grandfather goes, I'm not sure if I should have said anything to him after he made the comment or not. I'm not anxious to start a feud with him. He generally doesn't say anything about my bf anymore so I'm letting this slide...but if this turns into a new trend for him I'll have to say something. - Do I need to hurt myself?