before

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel stronger, better able to tackle the things i'm stressed about and better able to deal with my emotions
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring focus, it will take away the choice i have in choosing not to si. it will bring some shyness and guilt over wonds and scars.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  in the long run i just need to get through. i can't see myself being able to get through doing my major assignment and exams, and i really need to. hurting myself brings me a little further away from the larger goal of a healthy life, but the slightly shorter long-term goal of getting through uni is more important right now.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief will last a few days i think. if i can focus properly on uni work, and cut down the stress by si-ing, then i think the positive effects will last longer. if they start to run out, i should be ok relying on my current types of stress-relief, or i might si again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could do the dishes - it would wear out some of my restlessness and maybe help, it would feel positive to get something done that needs doing.
  i could play music - i think that would help but i'm not sure. it won't actually change my situation.
  if i am able to, it would help to work on my assignment. if i can actually go in the right direction, a few hours work could really reduce the stress about it.
  mostly i can't think of anything i am able to do that would really help both my current emotions, short term stresses and medium term goals (passing).
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si, tomorrow will be a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions, but mostly i will be able to concetrate on the si to calm me. i might be a bit reckless but i will definitely feel calmer and better.
  if i don't si, i don't think i will feel better tomorrow. i think i will keep feeling stressed, and sad and overwhelmed.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i really want to be able to focus and get some of my assignment done in a way that is not just rambling. i think there might be other ways besides si but i'm not really sure what. i suppose the self-protectiveness is that i'm trying to reduce my stress level, so maybe i could attempt some meditation, or plan some activities tomorrow that will help reduce my stress.
• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  i have a major assignment due in 2 weeks and it feels like i've done nothing, because i'm not really sure if i've answered things correctly and not sure how to finish what i've started up to a good enough level.
  also i found out a few days ago that i have exams coming up in 5 weeks, and both are on the same day in a place that requires 1 and a half hrs travel each way. it will be extremely hard to concentrate fully on the exams and cope with the stress without crashing.
  plus, i found out today that i will have houseguests tomorrow, staying 1 or 2 nights. i'm not required to have much interaction with them, but although less interaction means slightly less awkwardness, it also means i feel anxious and jealous about missing out on socialising. it puts more pressure on me to get some housework done, and do grocery shopping.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  it's been quite a while since i've had assignments and exams to do. i don't think i had as much to do before exams. house guests i've had before and they aren't as bad as i think sometimes. exams aren't either, but i don't know what i can do besides preparing well (which makes me feel as stressed that i haven't yet).
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i'm typing here i suppose. i've thought of what i can tackle today. i think meditation then music will help a bit.
• How do I feel right now?
  sad, anxious, scared
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  happy, powerful, calm
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  numb, calm, reckless
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  nope. i've done quite well at staying up-to-date with uni work, it's only that i lost confidence in my work and have not much time to finish it that it got out-of-control. and exams are difficult but maybe not insurmountable.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  need - no. i started writing this before the urge was that strong, to think of other things that might help. i'm scared the urges will get stronger, but i do hope my plans will help.