Have si-d today - was trying out a new method - and am now wanting to hurt even more. Hence I have come here, sort of after the first lot, but to try and not do any more damage.
There are a few reasons I think I am here:
1) reading a book about self harm on Monday
2) Starting an increased dose of lamotrigine and feeling rubbish with side effects
3) Having to battle to stay afloat and to keep going
4) trying to make decisions about the future and feeling no-one is listening to me
5) Having had an appointment with my pdoc where he told me that we are running out of treatment options - I sort of knew this but didn't really want to ehar it. I hoped he would say something else and reassure me.
6) Having my pdoc grumpy at my appointment. Not my fault I don't think but I don't like to cope with other people being grumpy - makes me feel guilty, even if it is not my fault, and makes me want to protect and comfort them even when it is not my place to.
Before:
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will get rid of the voices in my head telling me to do it. They are insistant and it is hard to ignore them. I will feel better for a while but will feel bad tomorrow for giving in. In the past the only way to make it all stop is to si. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will get the thought out of my head. It will make me feel ashamed nad angry for giving in. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel ok about myself and life. I'm fed up with being brave and "coping". I want to live again. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will help tonight. After that I have to deal with the pain and scarring and I don't heal as fast as I used to. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I have bandaged the part of me that I want to hurt to try to take care of myself and to make it more inaccessible. I have tried phoning my parents but they were too busy and impatient for me to tell them. I am trying to distract myself with being on the internet. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Tomorrow I will feel revulsion, shame, peace, pain, miserable, stronger, fresh start (again). If I manage not to today then that is one more day of being strong. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to cry. I want someone to hold me while I cry and take the strain for a while. I want to feel better instead of having to deal with crappy side effects from drugs I don't want to take. I wish that I could not be me for a few hours, jsut to feel normal again, not to have to be trying to make decisions about work, going part time or full time, not to feel constantly tired and spaced out. I need someone to see the hurting me, not the coping mask I give to the world.
Jane