slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
I think I did. It still stings a bit, although there's no visible damage. I'll keep an eye on things. I need to talk right now, I know there isn't any serious damage, and I think I've done all I can in treating damage. - what had happened just before?
I was making soup. I'd been having SI-thoughts, but I wanted to get food in me, and I'd never engaged in SI through burning before. I thought I could use enough self-control. - what were you thinking and feeling?[/b
Not much. Mostly about how I wanted to SI, and how I shouldn't SI. I'd been having trouble sleeping, and I have a generally negative self-opinion, but I'd slept. For real.
- why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
It was so easy. An opportunity arose. - how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
Low-grade stress. Weird mood wobbles. Going from feeling too good, to feeling bad in hard ways. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I drank. And I'd been having trouble sleeping lately. And I didn't go out and do much. So I was feeling guilty over that. - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried getting food, because I hadn't had dinner. I didn't have many thoughts beyond that. I was sort of aware I had SI-urges, but I didn't think of that. - in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Getting a different kind of food. Keeping more snacks that don't need to be heated around. Drinking less. Talking through SI urges on here, even if they don't feel big. - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Come post something on BUS if I feel SI-urges on this seemingly-mild level.
Force myself to stop and think before doing something that offers an opportunity for SI when I'm urgy, even if it's only mildly urgy. I kept moving, and going forward, even when I was trying to think, and that made it easier to keep going through to SI. Because I was already in motion. If that makes any sense?
Get more sunlight. - how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It's not resolved. I kind of want to do it again, but worse. I'm talking about it on here. And I'll watch Top Gear, as that's the most effective non-triggery distraction I know.
I'll have the soup. It's cool enough it should be safe, and a decent bit of food in me is good.
I'll take a multi-vitamin. Vitamins are somewhat helpful in keeping things from spiraling out of control. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Probably. I don't know where it came from. I need to take any degree of urginess more seriously. Especially with recent insomnia. That's the thing I really noticed. - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I'll at least start a distraction. Top Gear, if possible. It works freakishly well (it makes me laugh, and is never surprise triggery). I may not be able to get through it, but I'll at least try.
I'll come on BUS and try to nerve myself up to post somewhere. Even if it doesn't feel like a big deal.
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
It was right there, in my hand. Physical availability is the biggest factor for me. It doesn't stop me from SI if I'm hard-core urgy, but it makes it easier to give into mild or moderate urges. - Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
I made it a little bit. I did something perfectly reasonable (and normally healthy), which created an opportunity. And I saw it coming. - What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
This is a nonsense question. There's always an opportunity if I try hard enough. - If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Again, nonsense question. But I found myself with fewer opportunities (having deliberately made it harder to indulge in my usual forms of SI), and it made the urge stronger, and made me try new forms of SI. - What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
I've always got opportunities. If I have the urge, I can find some way to SI. I can deny myself the opportunity to engage in the more damaging forms, which is good in of itself. But I can't leave myself without opportunities at all. - If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
(This is really pretty mild in terms of damage. Which doesn't make it okay, but does make it less bad than it could have been.)
