after

[half/hearted]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes

what had happened just before?
I was on the computer, on a discussion forum about a comedy show I like. Nothing triggering.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I was thinking about how bad the pain was today (body aches from coming off an addictive medication) and how hard it was to keep going.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I don't know, it felt like each minute of pain was a straw on the proverbial camel's back, and after a whole day of that I broke.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I had taken some Aleve earlier and it made me really sleepy and I slept for a bunch of hours. I felt really bad about that because we're trying to fix my sleep schedule and I wasn't supposed to sleep all day.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I'm slowly going off this one drug, doing it exactly as my doctor told me to. Paxil is known for being the most difficult drug in the UNIVERSE to come off of. The pain is overwhelming, even now.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Sleep. Art. Writing. Talking to friends. Watching shows that made me smile. Being outside. Being with family. Being with our pets.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Writing about and working through my urges to SI rather than actually doing it.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
- I could keep a pen on top of the box where I keep my tools, then I would be reminded automatically.
- I could write myself a note reminding myself how much writing helps.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
How do I resolve withdrawal? It's a physical symptom. The problem is my inability to deal with it, but honestly, nobody takes Paxil withdrawal well. I just need to find a different outlet for my pain and anger than SI.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yes, I'm going to be here for a while. I'm keeping my parents informed and they're probably going to put me on even closer watch now.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
- post on bus
- write something about how I feel
- make a pros/cons list about the option of SI


About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I was in the same bed, same room I've been in all day. Just a matter of time. I guess it helped that nobody was around and I felt like I could "get away with it."

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
It was there. It just happened. Opportunities aren't supposed to happen, my family's plan usually keeps them from happening, but they do.

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I would have just cried and told somebody how much pain I was in.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
I think it would be like a kettle whistling. It would just boil until I was too tired and fell asleep again. I keep just slipping in and out of sleep these days.

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
Being alone and being fed up with all my other coping mechanisms.

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
I would probably start appealing to people to help me kill myself. I can't imagine life without the option of SI. It scares me horribly. Temporarily being unable to SI, like in IP or something ... I could do that. But if someone told me "You can't SI, FOREVER..." I'd just freak out.