before

[treasure]

a few months ago without internet access i paraphrased the bus before q's and i feel like answering my version here. or i might just vent?

- what has brought you to this point?
not si-ing for ages. i am just finding it hard to motivate myself or care as much about life and the pressure of not si-ing is annoying me. i want to get the freedom of choice, and i want to control my feelings so i feel less pathetic.

- what have you done so far to cope?
today, i have read for a little while, made lunch, played a facebook game for ages and spent some time on bus. i made a teeny tiny start on some work i'm supposed to do, but lost my motivation again.

- name 3 things you could do after these q's apart from si?
write a list of tasks/goals
stumble random web pages
listen to music that i think will help

- how would you feel while si-ing?
scared, reckless, guilty but then wiping the guilt away with a false sense of calm/control/power.

- how would you feel about it tomorrow?
worried about my sister finding out, worried how my emotions would be affected. feeling sad that i wrecked getting to 6 months, and angry that i started again with such a long stretch without it.

- how would you feel if doing the other coping activities?
sad, unsure of myself. might feel relieved and slightly proud of myself that i have the ability/will power to try other things.

- how would you feel tomorrow if you didn't si?
tired - of life, of trying, of fighting and of myself. probably occasionally feeling a little happy i got through urges.

- what would si change about the situation/thoughts/feelings?
stop me feeling powerless and useless. give me something else to focus on, give me an excuse to need help?

- how else could you change the situation/thoughts/feelings?
make lists of what i could be doing - maybe ask my sister for help in getting some of those things done. if i can't talk to my sister, i could leave her a note? try to sit with the feelings until they pass, crying or feelings are not as bad as they seem.

- how can you honour the self-protectiveness that is part of wanting to si?
by finding a less-difficult way of tackling my work and motivation. maybe dealing sensibly and sensitively with my feelings, not just wishing i had none.

- what will you do right now?
i will play games a little longer, and hopefully start on some lists if i can. might play music, and be mindful of my feelings.