write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? it won't, i'll just be numb from it for a bit.
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it will bring relief from emotional pain. it will let me say to anyone i trust (which is not many) 'see how bad i hurt?' it will punish my sister (even tho' i know it won't cuz i won't tell her i si'd).
it'll take away: coping w/o si. i'll lose my cut-free time. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i want my sister to grow up and quit blaming me for what our father did. i want her to get off my back. i want her to admit that our motives (for what triggered this whole thing) were completely different and i want her to admit that she was being immature.
si'ing won't get me any closer. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? it probly won't last long at all. then i'll either si again (probly not) or go to bed angry at myself for doing so. or call a crisis line. or email my sister how i feel about this whole stupid thing.
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i've done everything. now it's a bloody waiting game. i could get drunk but i don't drink anymore and it wouldn't help anyway. i could take a quarter seroquel but that taeks too long to kick in. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS EMOTIONAL PAIN. I'M MAD AT HER FOR BLAMING ME FOR HER EMOTIONS AND I'M MAD AT ME FOR FEELING GUILTY. mostly i'm mad at her for turning this all around to be about me when it's about her.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? i'll feel sore (duh). i'll feel guilty. i'll act secretively cuz i can't let coworkers/boss know i si'd.
i don't think i came up with another thing. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i want to yell at my sister. i want to tell her to quit blaming me for what istn' my fault. i want her to act in a way that i have no control over. i really want to yell at her and tell her to own her own shit and quit blaming me.
i really wish i could si. i do NOT want to cry because that won't solve anything. ugh.
doing this didn't help. i still am urging. i haven't learned anything i didn't already know. i sound snobbish. ugh.
