bus

i'm reasonably comfortable with si and scars but i'm not comfortable with "me" as a whole. so if ppl see my scars and pity me or judge me or anything, i feel silly cos i don't deserve pity and i don't want to be judged. i guess hiding is also a way to stay distant from ppl? sometimes i show my scars...

just wondering what it is, what it feels like... had a weird experience yesterday when i felt like i forgot my body and my thoughts and became *treasure* who just needed to be there to calm me down. i wasn't having a panic attack (i don't think), but for a minute i was not in control? i feel like it...

i've only rarely had the confidence to show my scars in public... i usually where long sleeves but every hot day, or even slightly warm day, i feel like everyone can see that i'm wearing long sleeves. i try so hard to let myself be myself but i'm so ashamed if anyone saw what i do/ saw who i am/ saw...

trying to find long sleeve tops in summer... not only are there practically none but i can only look at a few stores cos i've put on even more weight the past year! i tried on something and had to stand in front of a mirror and see the flabby rolls and the stretch marks, i'm 21 for chrise-sake!!!!! ...

i've talked to 3 people in the last 5 weeks or so. i'm wondering what people think about hiding away from poeple. i have few friends and i don't seem to trust them at the moment, so i just stay away. also my mood has been up and down a lot and i'm scared to go out in case ppl see? anyway, i'm strugg...

for a diff opinion... :) i don't think i have much self-control. i put "depends on my mood" cos some moods i can control myself and some i can't. thoughts ARE mostly out of my control but how you react to the thoughts in your head or whatever is important (like thinking about something a lot and blo...

mostly i hate having scars but i still prefer to have them in a weird way. my counsellor asked whether i thought of myself in 20 years and still having to cover my arms. i felt astonished, as if i will make it til then!!! (maybe i will, but i don't think like that) it feels so trivial sometimes that...

i chose "other". at the moment my sleep cycle is making me stay awake all night and sleep in the afternoons. but i still have trouble falling asleep cos of depressive thoughts. my sleep pattern is different every day and i've only just got a little stability due to meds but that still isn't enough. ...

reminded of what's making me sad maybe... can't contact C and don't think she's ok .....what makes me sadder is wishing it was me

so alone... i walked to someone's house but couldn't go up and talk to them. i don't deserve friends cos i'm a crap friend. and i only have maybe 5 people i could call friends and if i stay their friend i will just bring them down with all the shit i go through and hurt them when i hurt myself. don'...

from my mum: i know i hurt you, i accept that it was my fault and that it was an abuse of my power over you. i know you can't forgive me at the moment and i realise you will never "get over it", so take your time, i will be hear if you want to talk. (possibly?: i acted like i don't love you but real...