bus

I worry that things will go to shit.
I worry that I actually suck at that game.
I worry that I'll mess this up.

Nervous.
Excited.
Paranoid.

I'm worried that I'll disappoint you and disappoint myself. What if I don't deserve this, even though I want it so badly? Please don't be disappointed in me no matter what I do. Please help me grow, instead. Your opinion means the world to me.

For that day or two, your home felt like my home. I loved being there. I felt the warmth you brought to it. I hate being back here. This isn't quite home. This shitty room, not quite. A taste of a home is like a taste of opium. I really want more.

Are you still, still breathing?
Are you still breathing?
Breathe into my hands; I'll cup them like a glass to drink from.

Oh thank freaking God. He liked me. You heard that, right? He really liked me, the dog really liked me... he told you. I have one more year. Please let me spend more time with them!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have given me things to look forward to all summer. You have saved my mood and my motivation re my life.

I feelings of inadequacy would improve with some encouragement and myself accepting that I am decently good at this.

FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU I NEED THAT. YOU'RE SO FREAKING DUMB.

Every day a little death In the parlor, in the bed, In the curtains, in the silver, In the buttons, in the bread. Every day a little sting In the heart and in the head, Every move and every breath (And you hardly feel a thing) Brings a perfect little death. He smiles sweetly, strokes my hair, Says ...

It was a joke. I swear, only a joke. If you think there was some truth to it, I might die.

I ruin everything with my own analysis. I wonder if I'm paranoid or insightful. Please don't let me know if you are doing this out of pity.

I don't think about you often. I'm glad you're gone. I just don't care.

Are there no fighters left here any more? Are we the generation we've been waiting for? Or are we patiently burning Waiting to be saved? Our heroes our icons Have mellowed with age Following rules That they once disobeyed They're now being led When they used to lead the way Do you still believe in a...

And I have been forgotten. Again. You forgot.

I wish for a response to my email, to not be blown off again.
I wish for another response, to not be blown off by someone else.
I wish things happened differently.
I wish that someday I won't fuck up a relationship.
I wish for hugs from the great triumvirate.

I did cry, but it wasn't for that reason. It was something else entirely.

Conflicted
Heartless and cold
Alone
Liberated

1: I'm glad you're gone. And yet, I wish things didn't have to be this way. 2: Maybe God answered my prayer. Twice. (Says the atheist, I know.) But seeing you and getting a hug from you made my day, and it's precisely what I asked for in my weak moments. Did some deity send you to me? ... Can I see ...

Thank you, though, for confiding in me sometimes. I know it's not about anything big, and I know that you can't really get too close because of our ages, but it helps. Please keep doing it.