bus

sometimes i think it would be easier to hide away from everyone.
sometimes i want to just submerge myself into depression.
sometimes i wish i didnt have to try so hard.
sometimes im convinced the world will be better off without me.

meh.

god give me patience, cos i dont think i can go through annother day like today with her.

please please dont be lying to me again.... we've been through this before. i thought we had got over it. but now you never give the same story twice. i really want you to be telling the truth. but now im honestly not sure... and if thats the case it means you dont trust me. which hurts. where is t...

i dont know how im going to cope around you tomorrow

grrr stupid person

i hate how none of you can ever understand how hard it is for me. to stand there while you all sing and praise god. when i feel nothing. how hard it is for me to just make it through each service. cos unlike you guys, im not perfect. not at all. i believe in god, sure, but there is so much more you...

im scared. more than that, im terrified. i dont know how im going to do this, but if i dont ill regret it forever... damn.

C - thank you. what you did tonight meant so much. thank you

there is so much i want to say to you, but i guess this sums it up...

help me

im scared. but i wont admit it to anyone.

*for anyone IRL reading this, it stays on bus, kay??* M - what you said today hurt. it really did. we used to be so close... and i feel like we're drifting apart. i dont want that. we are practically sisters, but all we do is argue.. you claim that im horrible to you. hun, i may give you shit, thats...

really. it amazes me... all i ever get from you is how im not good enough and how i put so much stress on you etc.. so why is it so hard for you to believe i have depression and i hate who i am?? im just believing the crap you give me every single day.

im scared. so so scared. i dont want to have to sit and make polite conversation with you tonight. but i dont know how to admit to you that im not OK. i just..... dont know what to do. i hate being vunerable. it scares me. i think ive forgiven you. and thats... thats scary. cos i never thought i wou...

JS - i knew this would happen. i knew that if i showed you then you would just give up on me. im trying to see things from your perspective. but i kinda knew this would happen eventually. it was my fault for believing anything else...

fuck this. i dont even know why im trying any more.

correction. i do know why im trying... i just cant seem to justify it anymore.

JS - i wish i had the courage to actually send this to you.. for now, posting on here will have to do... *REL* JS, i dont think i can do this. Because the only way out is for me to turn and face all the things ive been running from. the only way out is for me to become so so broken my only option is...

i hope one day i learn how to cope without the constant SI urges..

i hope one day my mother finds some tact

y'know, this afternoon i really believed that you cared about me and that you loved me. now, well, now you've blown that havnt you. urgh. i cant believe im trying to forgive you, you do NOT deserve this.